But today was our last class meeting and there was a different feeling in the classroom, a more intimate, relaxed, and maybe even a little melancholy mood. Unlike most of their introductory level classes, my class roster tops out at twenty four students. Instead of sitting in a lecture hall filled with several hundred students, my students see each others' faces, learn each others' names, and maybe (if we're lucky) interact with each other as we discuss issues of writing. They may not show it every class period, but today they indicated that maybe this class wasn't so bad after all, and they might even miss the small group learning environment. One young lady drew a chuckle as she pretended to weep when class wrapped up. As they filed out, several thanked me by name, and I felt a small spark fire in my brain as if I had been lit up.
Their small act of courtesy reminded the Italian Mama how special it feels to have someone use your name. When I was little, my sisters and I would make fun of my father when we went to a restaurant because he always made a big production of calling the waitress (mostly women back then!) by her name. If she didn't have a name tag, he would ask her and repeat it so he got it right. Then, whenever we needed assistance, he would call her by name, say her name before he ordered - "Henrietta, I think I'll have the ribeye steak..." - , and thank her by name when she had served us our meal.
"Dad, it's weird. You don't even know her!"
"But I know her name. Don't you feel good when someone uses your name?"
"Yeah, but it's always someone I know."
"It's always polite to use a person's name if you can," Daddy concluded.
Now, many years later, the Italian Mama knows that Daddy was a bit of a flirt and could be Machiavellian at times, so maybe his name calling in the restaurant had more to do with serving his own needs than being polite or boosting the spirits of the hard working waitress. But the Italian Mama is old enough to know that he was definitely on to something. Addressing someone by name is more than just a demonstration of good manners; like all conventions of etiquette, name calling helps to nurture communities.Many years ago, I attended a workshop called "Thinking and Writing" at Bard College. The prompt for one of the exercises asked participants to write for fifteen minutes about our names. If you had been peering in the window of that classroom, you might have thought the instructor had offered a million dollar prize to the writer with the most pages filled with reflections on her name. Pens blazed across white-lined paper and notebook leaves crackled as they were impatiently flipped over. Writers wrote furiously about something so precious and close to their hearts that the words couldn't get written quickly enough. The results took the form of pure poetry. As writers shared their essays, gasps of delight punctuated the readings as listeners reacted to the descriptions of the profound connections writers' had with their names.
No wonder people feel a spark like a friendly tap on the back when someone calls them by name. The instant intimacy created by touching something people hold close to their hearts may be the reason why many people may avoid name calling unless they have a sustained relationship with the name bearer. They feel awkwardly connected to people they may not even know. But it is this very intimacy that makes name calling such a powerful social tool. You make a deep connection with someone you call by name, reaching the very core of her identity even if you don't know her - a happy paradox that can leave both name caller and the one called a little less lonely, a little more recognized.
The Italian Mama feels powerful when she calls someone by name because she knows that she has lit that person up, maybe for the only time today.
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